Nick Offerman AMA

Full post of the AMA over at Reddit, but I'll just highlight my favorite parts of Nick Offerman's Q & A below.

Q:What exactly are you building in the "Nick Offerman reads tweets from young female celebrities" sketch?
A:I'm building character, young man. Watch it in slo-mo, you can see my hit points accumulate. And yes, that Forstner bit on the drill press is vorpal. Carbon Steel plus one, my bitches.

Q:I know you and your character have a lot things in common, in what ways are you drastically different from Ron? (if any)
A:I wouldn't call it drastic, but my penis is 5/8" larger than Ron's, in both length AND breadth, but it is held that he wields his with greater aplomb.

Q:what is the hardest part of acting as Ron Swanson
A:Keeping a straight face in the onslaught of hilarity from all of our cast, except Jerry.

Q:How much can your mustache bench press?
A:114 lbs. of wife.

Q:On a one on one fight you against Theodore Roosevelt at your age, who would win and why?
A:Ted Roosevelt would hand me my ass in moments. He was a goddamn man and soldier who could kill with his hands. Let's remember, I am an actor who is handy with a sopkeshave. Spokeshave. Apologies, Shakers.

Q:Best way to cook Bacon & Eggs? Thanks for doing this!
A:In an iron skillet, over a fire of oak at your cabin.

Q:You are one of the manliest men of whom I have ever heard. What is your morning routine that begins a day of badassery? Also, what is your favorite outdoor activity?
A:I awaken. I consume oxygen, then bacon, eggs and black coffee, then my wife, then bacon.
I love to paddle my own canoe, and also wife. Best while staring at the leaves of the maple or sycamore.

Q:When you play monopoly, which piece do you choose to represent you on the board, and why?
A:I choose the thimble because no matter where I roam, you can't prick my motherfuckin' thumb with your bitch-ass Scottie Dog. Can I cuss on here?

More after the jump!

Q:What's your favorite firearm?
A:The Trebouchet?

Q:Nick, I'm a great admirer of your moustache. Since I assume it's all natural, what do you do in episodes where part of it needs to be burned off (Lil' Sebastian's funeral is on TV now) or removed for some reason? Do you actually have to mangle it and wait for it to grow back before you shoot another episode, or is there some kind of makeup trick to get that effect while still preserving the moustache's integrity?
A:My moustache grows with such rampant, perpetual virility, that we need to trim it 3 or 4 times a day during filming. It was cool at first (grade school), but to be honest, it's getting old.

Q:Have you ever eaten a turf 'n turf?
A:Have you ever eaten a fatal amount of beef? I have not.

Q:You, Clint Eastwood, and Teddy Roosevelt have a bacon eating contest. Who wins?
A:Teddy is no longer with us, so a moment of silence for #26. You had a hell of a run, Theodore. Then, I handily defeat Clint, since he is an old - oh, wait, he pulls out a gun and shoots me, drooling something about Commies and pinko faggots and his cold, dead fingers, before falling out of his chair and soiling himself. Thanks a lot, lazythinker.

Q:How much action does your mustache see? Is it more than you actually see yourself?
A:If by "action", you mean "the puss", I'd say that is not for public consumption, either literally or figuratively. The rumors that my moustache has a burgeoning career in Japanese porn are almost entirely unfounded. As far as I know.

Q:What's your favorite beer?
A:Cold. Closely followed by, you guessed it, warm.

Q:I saw you while I was eating last week at Veggie Grill in Hollywood. Should I have come over and said hi?
A:That's a goddamn lie.