Nick Offerman's 10 Secrets to Life

Nick Offerman, beloved by the internet as Ron F’ing Swanson, wrapped up his nationwide college tour on April 20th in New Orleans. Offerman was sans both his iconic ‘stache and hair, but made up for it with the classiest American flag button-up that I’ve ever seen. The show, aptly dubbed “American Ham,” was a mixture of comedic personal stories, acoustic ballads about everything from religion to pot, and 10 life lessons that only Ron Swanson himself could give.

#1 – Engage in romantic love.

Offerman, a self-proclaimed “sappy, romantic lover,” spoke of the importance of snagging yourself a mate and letting yourself fall in love. Offerman spoke incredibly highly of his wife, “the crazy Jug Festival that is Megan Mullally,” who he’s been married to for 12 years.

“As a Hollywood couple, you’d expect us to be heading down to the Whiskey-A-Go-Go with the Sheen family or shooting up with the Kardashian clan,” Offerman said.

Instead, the couple enjoys staying home, watching HGTV, completing jigsaw puzzles, and “doing a shitload of cocaine while we puzzle for days.” Offerman says that you’ve got to make love a priority in your life. If you put your acting job above your relationship, even if you win an Oscar, he can tell you from experience “an Oscar is not a comfortable sexual partner, no matter which way you stick it.”

#2 – Say please and thank you.

“I don’t care if you’re a network executive or a fan of Two and a Half Men, the lowest, we are all equal brothers and sisters” said Offerman, who also placed Hitler and Jerry Gergich at the bottom rung of life.

#3 – Carry a handkerchief.

“My dad always told me to wear a clean, white t-shirt everyday and always carry a handkerchief,” to which young Nick would reply, “Dad, I’m not gonna wear a white t-shirt everyday ‘cause it looks more bitchin’ to have a little chest bush exposed…sir.”

Offerman then pulled out his handkerchief (rose petals in a field of taupe), and played, well, the only handkerchief song I’ve ever heard. According to him, you can use them for anything from wiping down prints during a B&E to wiping ejaculate from your chin.



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