Nick Offerman AMA

Full post of the AMA over at Reddit, but I'll just highlight my favorite parts of Nick Offerman's Q & A below.

Q:What exactly are you building in the "Nick Offerman reads tweets from young female celebrities" sketch?
A:I'm building character, young man. Watch it in slo-mo, you can see my hit points accumulate. And yes, that Forstner bit on the drill press is vorpal. Carbon Steel plus one, my bitches.

Q:I know you and your character have a lot things in common, in what ways are you drastically different from Ron? (if any)
A:I wouldn't call it drastic, but my penis is 5/8" larger than Ron's, in both length AND breadth, but it is held that he wields his with greater aplomb.

Q:what is the hardest part of acting as Ron Swanson
A:Keeping a straight face in the onslaught of hilarity from all of our cast, except Jerry.

Q:How much can your mustache bench press?
A:114 lbs. of wife.

Q:On a one on one fight you against Theodore Roosevelt at your age, who would win and why?
A:Ted Roosevelt would hand me my ass in moments. He was a goddamn man and soldier who could kill with his hands. Let's remember, I am an actor who is handy with a sopkeshave. Spokeshave. Apologies, Shakers.

Q:Best way to cook Bacon & Eggs? Thanks for doing this!
A:In an iron skillet, over a fire of oak at your cabin.

Q:You are one of the manliest men of whom I have ever heard. What is your morning routine that begins a day of badassery? Also, what is your favorite outdoor activity?
A:I awaken. I consume oxygen, then bacon, eggs and black coffee, then my wife, then bacon.
I love to paddle my own canoe, and also wife. Best while staring at the leaves of the maple or sycamore.

Q:When you play monopoly, which piece do you choose to represent you on the board, and why?
A:I choose the thimble because no matter where I roam, you can't prick my motherfuckin' thumb with your bitch-ass Scottie Dog. Can I cuss on here?

More after the jump!

Nick Offerman Reads Tweets Volume 5

There's going to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. TV show

From ComingSoon:

As reported yesterday, ABC has picked up Joss Whedon's "S.H.I.E.L.D." to the pilot stage as a part of his exclusive deal with Marvel Studios. It wasn't long after this was reported that we all started to wonder where it would fit into the larger scheme of the Marvel films.

Variety now has some quotes from Whedon about the project who said not to call it a 'spinoff.' Whedon also said the series will be 'autonomous' to The Avengers sequel that he is writing and directing.

Whedon will write the pilot alongside his brother, Jed Whedon, and Maurissa Tancharoen (who previously worked with Whedon on "Dollhouse" and "Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog"). All three will also join Jeffrey Bell and Jeph Loeb as executive producers. It's rumored that Whedon may also direct the pilot, but that nothing is confirmed at this time.

Yes, this just happened

WTF!!! You are not penguins, you can flap those wings and fly! You're just being lazy you stupid Canadian geese, at least run across the street instead of taking your damn time! Holding me up, I should have just ran you over. But that's not humane is it? Just don't let it happen again...

Oh really, LabCorp?

Did you invent the world's first time machine? Or was it just a typo? Maybe you should have used some of the money from the design budget and spent it on proofreading:

One fan-made Captain Planet trailer, well done please!

I don't know, this is well done and all, but I think I prefer Don Cheadle as Captain Planet...


Via

The many deaths of Breaking Bad

This goes without saying, but obviously there are SPOILERS in this post. DO NOT READ if you haven't seen the show, but why would you be reading this post anyway? I'll put the death(s) from the newest seasons (4 and 5) after the jump, so please DO NOT continue reading if you haven't seen the newest season of Breaking Bad yet. But what are you waiting for? You have some catching up to do! I'll put each season's deaths under a heading with some spacing, so if you've only watched up to a certain episode/season thus far, STOP reading! List originally at Vulture, with my comments italicized; please proceed with caution:

 

 

 

 

SEASON ONE

Emilio
Dies in: The pilot (season one, episode one)
Heartbreak level: Zero? Are we horrible if we say zero?
Emilio's death isn't there for us to mourn over Emilio, it's there for us to learn just how serious Walt is about making meth. Emillio was Jesse's original drug buddy, and he became the first victim of poisoning on the series when Walt gassed him and Krazy-8 in the RV. (Later, Walt and Jesse destroy the body with acid.) Emilio's death is our first sign that Walt isn't just making a few dangerous choices under duress. He has a frightening natural affinity for those dangerous, deadly choices, and he makes them with a detached calm.

Who? Oh yeah, the first "victim" of the hydrofluoric acid bath we have come to love, which was one of the first truly memorable scenes in Breaking Bad. My Dad still talks about that being the scene that got him hooked on the series.

 

Krazy-8
Dies in: " ... and the Bag's in the River," season one, episode three
Heartbreak level: Moderate.
The opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is sometimes called Lima Syndrome, when captors develop sympathy for their victims. That happens to Walt, and to a greater extent to the audience, as Krazy-8 sits in the basement, helpless, pathetic, describing himself as a family man, and rejecting sandwich crusts.

I honestly don't remember how Krazy-8 died, but I do know it established early on the fact that Walt and Jesse needed to be experts in disposing bodies/hiding evidence.

 

No-Doze and Gonzo
Dies in: "A No-Rough-Stuff-Type Deal," season one, episode seven, and "Seven Thirty-Seven," season two, episode one
Heartbreak level: Low and slightly higher, respectively.
No-Doze is just the first of many characters on the show to be killed by his boss (this time, Tuco), but poor Gonzo dies as the "world's dumbest criminal" by Hank's estimation, after injuring himself while trying to bury his friend.

The first of many goons killed in the series, but these ones deserved it for being so stupid. Though, their deaths prompted Walt and Jesse to take a full measure the next season...

 

 

 

 

SEASON TWO

 

Tuco Salamanca
Dies in: "Grilled," season two, episode two
Heartbreak level: Zero.
The earlier a character on the show died, the more likely it is that their death wasn't sad. BB has invested more in its characters as the show's gone on, and early introductions, like Tuco, didn't have quite the emotional depth as, say, [omitted]. We've all seen enough shows and movies to know that tweaky drug traffickers will probably die, so Tuco's end didn't even come as much of a surprise.

Before Tuco was shot up by Hank, season two had some of the tensest moments of the series up until that point. This death was key for a few reasons: it was the first of many times Walt and Jesse escaped from the grasp of a madman (which in turn gave them more "responsibility" in the meth market), started the split between Walt and Skyler, and paved the way for Hank to become the hero of the DEA.

 

Spooge
Dies in: "Peekaboo," season two, episode six
Heartbreak level: A little sad.
Decrepit, child-abandoning Spooge gets his head crushed under a stolen ATM, and as much as it plays like a borderline farce, the rest of the episode is incredibly sad. Jesse and Walt — and the show's story lines in general — are pretty far removed from day-to-day meth heads and the squalor and sadness meth addiction can bring.

Another dumb criminal getting what he deserves, but this death didn't really have much of a purpose as far as being a catalyst for the main characters/plot.

 

Combo
Dies in: "Mandala," season two, episode eleven
Heartbreak level: Medium-husky.
Drug-dealer Combo reappears in flashbacks in season three, and we learn that he was sort of a fun guy, at least a fun enough one to give Jesse an RV. But his death is almost more tragic for his killer than for him — the image of little Tomás holding the gun is more overwhelming and heartbreaking than Combo face-down in the street.

The first BB death that proves kids are somewhat disposable, and the first death that is REALLY personal to Jesse.

 

Jane
Dies in: "Phoenix," season two, episode twelve
Heartbreak level: Extremely high.
What's worse: Doing something bad, or not stopping something bad? Actively murdering someone, or not doing anything to prevent someone else's death? On BB, the strange answer seems to be that the lack of action is the more reprehensible choice. We've seen Walt kill people, endanger people, threaten people, and yet Jane's OD — which Walt witnessed but didn't cause in any concrete way — is the one that leaves us thinking, Oh God, how could you?

Walt's non decision to help Jane was selfish and a key moment in him becoming less Walt and more Heisenberg. Another tragic death for Jesse, notice a trend forming?

 

The 167 passengers on the Wayfarer 515 and JM 21 flights
Die in: "ABQ," season two, episode thirteen
Heartbreak level: Dare we say "sky high"? No. We'll just say "high."
The sadness here, again, comes not from the dead — none of whom we meet — but from their (accidental) killer, Jane's bereft father, Don. Walt's corruption stretches farther than he could ever have predicted.

Probably the first major time that proves Walt's actions have consequences, despite what he may think. This theme of cause and effect will have a snowball effect throughout the rest of the series.

 

 

 

 

SEASON THREE

 

The nine Mexicans on a truck, plus the driver
Die in: "No Mas," season three, episode one
Heartbreak level: Nil.
In compiling this list, it's becoming very clear that BB isn't that big on sad, tragic deaths. If anything, most of the deaths on the show are just backdrop — desensitizing both viewers and characters to the concept of murder. The Salamanca twins kill ten people all at once, yet it barely registers as sad.

The main thing this massacre shows is that the Cousins are ruthless and don't have an ounce of compassion in their bones. They kill whoever is in their way no matter what.

 

Tortuga Dies in: "I.F.T.," season three, episode three
Heartbreak level: Low, but with a gasp.
We'd already seen the informant's severed head on top of a tortoise, so it was a pretty safe bet that something bad had befallen Tortuga himself. Still, a machete beheading gets our attention.

Probably killed because casting Danny Trejo for more episodes would cost too much.

 

Bobby Kee
Dies in: "Sunset," season three, episode six
Heartbreak level: Zero.
The Cousins strike again, this time axe-murdering a cop before the opening credits.

Who? Another meaningless death (this one by the Cousins) with no real repercussions.

 

Bystander
Dies in: "One Minute," season three, episode seven
Hearbreak level: Shush! Too stressed out for heartbreak.
Hank and the Salamancas aren't the only people in the parking lot. Marco Salamanca takes out a random passerby before setting his sights on Hank.

The death of this innocent bystander was a bystander in the whole stupendous "One Minute" scene.

 

Marco Salamanca
Dies in: "One Minute," season three, episode seven
Heartbreak level: An icy, bald nothing.
You mess with Hank Schrader, Hank Schrader messes right back. At the end of one of the most tense, exciting sequence in TV memory, Hank manages to take down half the deadly duo sent to kill him.

Awesome. First big villian to die since Tuco. Boosts Hank's DEA career.

 

Leonel Salamanca
Dies in: "I See You," season three, episode eight
Heartbreak level: An icy, bald, slight something.
Leonel and Marco were, to this point, interchangeable, but imagine being the twin who survives. Barely. And then gets killed in the hospital. It's a tiny bit sadder than being the twin who dies at the scene.

Double awesome, though kind of sad to see a man so desperate as he's dying with no legs. Really boosts Hank's career.

 

Tomás Cantillo
Dies in: "Half Measures," season three, episode twelve
Heartbreak level: Weepy.
Tomás's death is made tragic rather than just sad by seeing Andrea's reaction to it. Her little brother isn't the only kid involved in Gus's drug ring, but he's the only one we've seen and the only one we have any reason to care about. Even if he was a wee child murderer, too.

Another death close to Jesse, another death of a child. Will it be the last? Paves the way for the next deaths that were temporarily avoided earlier.

 

Nameless rival dealers
Dies in: "Half Measures," season three, episode twelve
Heartbreak level: Nothing.
No matter how evil their actions or how terrible their behavior, when it's Walt and Jesse versus Other People, we're always rooting for Walt and Jesse. That's how the show works. Plus these deaths are a tiny bit darkly comic because Walt's in his pathetic Aztec while he's running people down.

This is the first time that Walt literally, and figuratively, pulls the trigger. He's broke bad all the way at this point, and took a full measure. This also shows more of Walt's "I can do no wrong" complex, as he supports Jesse despite the possible consequences from Gus.

A group of cartel assassins
Die in: "Full Measure," season three, episode thirteen
Heartbreak level: None.
Mike's ruthless efficiency is suddenly endearing and charming, not just scary. One minute, he's buying balloons with his granddaughter. The next, he's using those balloons to help him slay his foes. Multipurpose tools!

Woah, Mike is a badass! These deaths prove Mike is the real deal, and set up his character arc nicely

 

Gale
Dies in: "Full Measure," season three, episode thirteen
Heartbreak level: Medium.
Gale's death isn't heartbreaking in and of itself. Rather, Gale's killing is heartbreaking because of what it means for his murderers: Jesse really is that easy to manipulate, and Walter really is that manipulative. At least we'll always have "Major Tom."

Despite it still being a shocking death, we all knew Gale would bite the bullet sooner or later. Jesse is the trigger man this time, something he couldn't do on multiple previous occasions. Walt is manipulative as hell here, and he continues to be as the series goes on.

 

Seasons four and five and SPOILERS are after the jump...

Space Jam 2?

Starting Lebron James? Interesting! Here's the tweet from James, we'll see if this wish becomes a reality:


Via Buzzfeed. If you need me I'll be watching Space Jam.

Norm Macdonald

What have you come to! I've seen enough of your Safe Auto commercials to finally say something. But seriously, you're doing Safe Auto commercials now? I know Sports Show didn't do too well, but come on man. You're funny! Too funny to be doing lame commercials for an insurance company a step above "The General". I guess they pay well, but if I were you I'd go back to "doing nothing" as you say you love.

And now I have to watch hear your amazing roast of Bob Saget to erase this awful memory. Join me after the jump.

Kid Snippets: Salesman

Came across this cute but funny video yesterday at Neatorama, which puts an interesting twist on improv. In the clip, a topic, in this case "salesman" is acted out and recorded by 2 children. Then, 2 adult actors act out the dialogue from the kids, lip sync and all. Yes, it sounds funny and a little crazy, and it is.

A B Long Blog milestone

Just recently at the B Long Blog, we've hit over 25,000 pageviews! Thanks to everyone who views the blog daily, and everyone else who checks out even one post. Couldn't have done it without you guys, please keep it up! Continue to share and spread the word.

In other news, Neil Armstrong passed away today, at age 82. No, not Lance Armstrong, who was recently stripped of his 7 Tour de France titles for what I believe to be bullshit doping allegations. Neil was the first man on the Moon, and is most remembered for the misquote "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."

Star Wars Detours

A fitting name indeed, as this is certainly quite the detour from what we're used to seeing from Star Wars. It's from Seth Green and George Lucas himself, but I don't know what to make of it yet. I guess it's good that Lucas is finally letting go a little bit and making fun of himself, and the Robot Chicken Star Wars specials were hilarious. Watch the trailer below and decide for yourself:

Jimmy Fallon + Reggae + Barbershop Quartet = The Ragtime Gals

Dave Grohl is awesome

Using the Freedom of Information Act to obtain the White House beer recipe

Leave it to someone on Reddit to do something like this.  President Obama seems to be fond enough of the White House's 3 home brews that they have a bit of a reputation.  That's why a request for the recipes of White House Honey Ale, White House Honey Porter, and White House Honey Blonde Ale has been submitted under the Freedom of Information Act. Now it's possible that the recipes won't be released; they may not be classified as "documents" or might not even be written down at all, at least formally. Here's hoping. More at the Huffington Post.

Despicable Me minions to get own film

Sure, it won't be released until December 19th 2014 after July 3rd 2013's Despicable Me 2, but those cute little critters deserve their own movie.  I'll be looking forward to see the minion's adventures!

Ghostbusters theme on floppy drives

I guess floppy drives are still good for something! Now, this is either really awesome if you're a fan of Ghostbusters Ray Parker Jr., or really annoying if you're not.


Via

Breaking Seinfeld?

Or Pinkman. Or Seinbad. Take your pick. Anyway:


Via Buzzfeed

This baby is going to grow up so confused!

Living in this "LOST" themed nursery...






More pics and "making of" video at Buzzfeed.

30 Rock style Star Wars credits

Via

This seems like an appropriate amount of cheese

Yep, 5 pounds of cheddar. My kind of bargain!

Today in weird crime news...

First, a man named Walter White (Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad) is wanted by the Tuscaloosa County Sheriff's Office for,  you guessed it!, making meth.  And he was charged back in 2008 for making the drug, so it's not like he changed his name to suit his job.  An actual man named Walter White is wanted for production of methamphetamine. I'd check RV's, underneath laudromats, and houses being bug bombed if I were the Sheriff's Office.

In another odd crime, or rather a lack of crime technically, Miami doctor Armando Angulo will have the case against him thrown out. Why you may ask? Because it takes up too much space on the DEA's server: 2 terabytes to be exact. The fugitive doc was charged with illegally selling prescription medications online, and his rap sheet is over 400,000 pages long (or enough to print War and Peace 625,000 times. Apparently the case against him was "an economic and political hardship" for the DEA and they decided to drop the charges.

Robot Chicken DC Comics Special Trailer

Via

Free Bacon!

The only reason there's still any bacon left is because it says "need" and not "want"!

Via

Michael J. Fox returning to TV?

From Vulture:

Michael J. Fox is readying a return to prime-time series television, and the broadcast networks are lining up to welcome him back. Vulture hears the iconic star of Family Ties and the Back to the Future trilogy has teamed with director Will Gluck (Easy A) and writer Sam Laybourne (Cougar Town, Arrested Development) on a single-camera comedy project that's being developed by Sony Pictures Television for a 2013 launch.

We're still trying to track down plot details, but our sources tell us the show will be inspired by Fox's own life. All four major network chiefs have heard the pitch, and two industry sources — using phrases such as "feeding frenzy" and "bidding war" — tell us it's now just a matter of which network will offer the most attractive deal to Fox, Gluck, and Sony. Our spies say the project will, at the very least, get an automatic pilot production commitment; there's even industry buzz about one network offering to go straight to series, something that hardly ever happens in broadcast TV anymore.

I've always liked Fox as an actor, and it's a real shame his Parkinson's restricted his career.  It's interesting to wonder how good his career could have been, but on the positive, he has really helped out with research and awareness for the disease.

Jeff Ross

Ok Jeff Ross, your new show on Comedy Central "The Burn" was pretty decent, even though it probably won't last more than this season. But none of that matters; what matters is your hair. Just what the hell are you doing with that anyway? No offense, but it looks like shit and you should be doing anything you can to make yourself look better. Again, no offense. Your hair just looks awful.

Eagles Training Camp at Lehigh

More photos after the jump

New Parks and Rec Promos

In this first Olympic themed promo for Parks and Recreation, Ron Swanson attempts to set the world record for eating Bangers and Mash sausages and mashed potatoes. View the second promo after the jump, in which Tom Haverford (Aziz Ansari) tries to wrestle with Ron. Parks and Rec returns on September 20th on NBC!

The worst version of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" ever

I'm a Phillies fan, and even I thought this was awful. Best part was the organ player being able to adjust so quickly.  Check out the awfulness by following the link, I'll look for an embeddable version soon.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame by the Phillies Alumni

USA dominates 2012 London Summer Olympics

While the US didn't lead the medal count from the first day at London, they certainly finished on top in dominating fashion. China put up a fight, but ultimately were no match for America once the second week (track and field heavy) started. Congrats to all the athletes who won a medal of any color.
And the only medal count the United States didn't "win"? Bronze. They came out on top with 104 total medals; 46 Gold, 29 Silver, and 29 Bronze. Props to Great Britain as well, for admirably representing the host city with 29 Gold medals and 65 total. Top 5 below, full medal count table here:

Homemade DeLorean Hovercraft

Through fundraising by Kickstarter, Matthew Riese made his own custom DeLorean hovercraft and it's awesome.  It made an appearance during last nights Giants and Rockies game at San Francisco:


Video of the "making of" after the jump...

Tom Brokaw

is boring.  Seriously.  Whose idea was it to air an hour of this dry, utterly boring history lesson instead of the Olympics?  I want to kill myself!

US sprinter breaks leg during 4x400, US comes in 2nd place

Holy shit! Earlier today (I'm sure it will be on NBC tonight) US sprinter Manteo Mitchell was running the opening leg of the 4x400 meter relay during a qualifying round when his left fibula broke about 200 meters in.  Most people would stop running due to the pain or simply not being able to move.  But not Manteo. He finished the next 200 meters of his leg, and handed off the baton to teammate Josh Mance in 7th place.  The rest of the US squad was clearly motivated by this act of courage, and finshed in 2nd place and now have a chance to win a gold medal in the finals. Wow.

The Internet explained by a scene from Groundhog Day

Pretty much.

Via Uproxx

Beck's new "album"

It's called Beck Hansen's Song Reader, and is really just an arrangement of sheet music from Beck. It will contain 20 "tracks" of unreleased and unrecorded material, and it will be up to the his fans to perform them. I have a feeling this will turn out to be pretty awesome, as I'm sure we'll hear lots of different versions of the songs performed by a variety of instruments. I can't play anything other than drums myself (and can't read sheet music) so I'll have to rely on everyone else.  I'll be looking forward to it!

The Dark Knight Rises could have been even longer...

...if it actually used the scenes filmed to explain Bane's backstory. As is, TDKR doesn't really explain much of how Bane got the way he is; we know he needs the mask up pump himself full of painkillers, but why? Some deleted scenes would explain:

The thing that you should have seen during that sequence is [Bane] being injured in his youth. So one of the fundamental things about his costume is that he has this scar from the back injury. Even if he hasn't got the bulletproof vest on, he still has to wear the waist belt and the braces. In that scene in the prison, where he's learning to fight the same way Batman learned to fight, he's wearing an early version of his waist belt. It's showing support, but it's not the finished one he eventually wears. He's also wearing an early version of his gas mask, all glued together ... If you look at the film, unless they've cut it—and I'm sure they haven't—there's a whole early section for Tom Hardy where he's fighting and being taunted by people. He's got chains on him, and he's standing on a wooden thing while people are attacking him. And in that scene, he's wearing a much more ragged, primitive version of the mask.

The above quote is from costume designer Lindy Hemming, and we can only hope the DVD/Blu-ray edition will have those scenes intact.

Via Vulture

Phillies home sell-out streak comes to an end

It was inevitable, with the shitty season the Phillies have been having.  The impressive run of home sell-outs ended at 257 regular season games, and 273 games including playoffs; definitely an impressive feat. Along with the poor play of the team, I'd venture a guess that the effect of all those advance ticket sales finally wore off. Not too many people are in the mood to watch a team lose after this long. However, if the team ends up winning again, we'll see another streak start up.  Here's hoping.

And now, this totally appropriate video from Reel Big Fish:

Ferrell and Galifianakis debate with children

Will Ferrell & Zach Galifianakis Debate Children from Will Ferrell

9 Normal Things That Look Trippy Under a Microscope

From Cracked, who thought that these common things would look so awesome under a mircoscope? I particularily like the way that different alcohol looks, totally trippy indeed.

#9. Sand



#8. Aspirin


#7. Asbestos


#6. Alcohol




#5. Illicit Drugs (Meth)


View the rest after the jump, or continue at Cracked for more pictures and commentary!

11 Alcoholic Drinks, Ranked By Hangover Severity

I haven't featured a list from 11 Points recently, but due to my affinity for alcohol I figured like this list would be a good one to feature.  Here's "11 Alcoholic Drinks, Ranked By Hangover Severity". Be sure to click the link for commentary, and be aware that Tequila was omitted. But we all know where that would land on the list.

11. Grain alcohol
10. Vodka
9. Gin
8. White wine
7. Beer
6. Champagne

View the rest of the list after the jump!

PeTOP

From Thursday night's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert channels his inner Sarah McLachlan to deliver this PSA for PeTOP: People for the Ethical Treatment of Produce.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis read 50 Shades of Grey

It goes about as well as you'd expect, but is also as funny as you'd expect.

Ghostbusters 3 will be Murray-less

FUCK! Oh well, maybe it will still be watchable, but I'm not banking on anything. Also, it's shooting sometime next year according to Dan Aykroyd, without the great Bill Murray. Let the online petitions begin!

Breaking Bad: Hair vs. Violence

via Uproxx

Y

Congrats to the USA Women's Gymnastics team, who won the gold medal in the all-around competition, but did you know all 5 members of the team have a "Y" in their first name? Weird:

Jordyn
Gabby
Aly
McKayla
Kyla